"I'm really sorry Raihana.The break up will never be a mutual one.I'm still head over heels in love with you.Times can change, people can move on... but a part of me will forever pray for us to be re-united.I love you and nothing can ever make me feel otherwise...."

As much as its expired.Part of me still wondered if i could manage to persuade her to come back.But everytime she slams the phone down while i'm fighting for her, i can't stop feeling bitter as i'm reminded This is how much she doesn't love me...
It's useless trying to talk to anyone either... they'll either make it to a joke or try to comfort me by making it look so easy...
I think the longer you both spend time apart, the easier it was for us to be apart.After 2 months at most you'd come to realise that your world wouldn.t be falling apart without her.The turning point will be losing the fear of being alone.You'd just wake up one morning and it'll be gone.You won't feel bitter when you realise she's not there.You wont feel bitter at the thought that there was no one to say ' good morning' to.And once that happened everything will stop quite so hurting badly.And becos she moved on you'd feel bitter and becos you feel bitter, she'll feel bitter too.And becos you both felt bitter,whenever you both speak on the phone you'll argue,and becos you both argue, you'll both speak less, and becos you speak less,after 3 months you're both total stranger....And now because you're total strangers,it seems logical to dismantle your lives together...
Easy ain't it? you wanna know why? cos it's not your fucking problem....
"It just snapped..."
Those words kept ringing in my mind all day, make it all week, make it since i last heard it from her.
"Yes.. what i did was very heartwrenching for me.To see you in a pic with someone else was like a whack right smack on the face.Honestly, i'm bitter.I'm lost.They say i'm heartless but yet i'm broken.What hurt me most was how you got over me straight away.How you got on with your life and even started seeing someone barely 2 months after we broke up like i was just a minor interruption in your life.But its all said and done now.. like you said, we're expired.I'm hiding it all and its eating inside.I'm only doing this because i love you.... something you'll never know how much more i'm capable of for you, my pocket sized princess...Be happy if that is all that matters to you and dishonestly... i'll let go."

REMEMBER WHEN YOU HELD MY HAND LIKE YOU'D NEVER LET GO?
Funny it only took the frontman of The Bravery for you to let me go...WAHAHAHAHAH!!

5th August 2005,
The day started with me looking forward to our first concert together.The Bravery.Even after having to jog 8 km in the early morning. my mind was set upon meeting you later that day.I had a rehearsal after lunch for the Battalion's upcoming Anniversary which falls on next Friday.I'm playing in a last minute 3 piece acoustic band.As how its always been...these days whenever i sing, i'd sing for you.
Come evening and i met you at kallang Station.I came out of the toilet and there you are looking good as always.All dolled up and i thought you look so adorable with the long socks on.We walked all the way down to the indoor stadium waterfront.I was shagged by all that running around and rushing down from sembawang to the restaurant to home to kallang and then to the indoor stadium.I even told you that somewhere on my back just right below the pits was hurting for the lack of stretching before my IPPT static stations."Our first concert together" we both boasted.
Electrico started the ball rolling ad us being fans enjoyed it a whole lot before you had to go to the toilet to pee.I wanted to accompany you but i guessed we'd lose our space by the time you come back.so i hung on. 15 mins past me by and i got worried for my precious pocket sized princess.It so got to me that even the addictive Electrico wasn't able to distract me from looking back every few seconds in search of you.So i called you up and you said you were buying drinks.By the time you came back Electrico was almost done and you missed the song that i fell in love with back at baybeats and how it remind me of you then when you were'nt there to join me.I thought we could enjoy it together tonight but nature calls.... :)
The Bravery started after a looong wait and we were both tired.Me adding up to the shagness that was brought forward from morning.It was like how i thought it'd be.We, having fun together you cuddling me all the time not keeping my hands off you...There came a point of time when it became really stuffy and you stopped cuddling which was a good thing cos i was irritated by all the stuffiness..And then the frontman body surfed...Everybody went ga-ga rushing to get some part of the man.With both hands stretched... you joined them leaving me behind.I was looking for you but i stayed put cos i dunno whereyou were and i'd hoped you come back after that.The Braver then played a number, another one, another one, another one a brief break before the encore and the last number. And you didnt even tried to path your way back to where i was waiting for you.Carrying your bag and looking after whats in it not able to jump around knowing things might fall from the inside.In a stuffy place with barely room to move.And all this while, you're somewhere gaga- ing over a rockstar leaving me all alone. I misinterpret what Going to the concert together means.This is literally just ging together and it seems that halfway through i'm only there to take care of your bag while you jump around, dance around after the high you got from the wine and the breezer.
Someone tapped me after you rushed towards the body surfing frontman,"Ish,pelok punye pelok last2 frontman lompat, dia hilang"(after all that hugging,it only takes the frontman to jump and she disappears...there's another comment which took the cake but i won't write it down cos it's too personal...
All these while, peole might think that you're in this relationship where you're not taken care of,in which you're suffering, in which what have i got to deservr you.We all have our flaws and the best thing you never try to sort what others think about this relationship we're having out.
Yes i am the boyfriend who cheated on you.That same boyfriend who went on my knees asking you to give me another chance.And all this while i thought i've been doing a good job.But what did you do while i was ghoing through all the pains of making up? we went toa birthday party of one of your friends and we got ourselvs wasted by all that alcohol.. i went to the toilet and what do i see? My girlfriend kissing another guy in front of my eyes.
This is the same boyfriend who used all your money on food, on daily expenses for a month at least but thats only becos i was dry andyoure the only person i could turn you.. you are afterall my girlfriend arent you>but whenever im not broke esp. when my pay(which is not much) comes, i'd spend it all in the name of having fun with you...
This is the same boyfriend who lost all his mates when my father called them up to say i was being very very rude to him.We both know that i was rude to him cos he scolded you for watching tv in my room when he clearly said not too... i shouted at my own dad,domeone who gave me life, for you...

Why am i saying all this?It has never been my style to pour out to anyone.Let alone a blog.Even my closest mates are kept in the dark over a lot of things about me... isn't that right shaik muhsyn?

Its becos tonight on the 5th of August 2005, i felt overly disappointed at how it only takes FUN! to put your mind free of Ath Thaariq Marthas.I'm very sure that by next week you'd already move on withput me just as long as Fun fills your day...In fact tomorrow you've already set your mind on working a day's job again throwing away my precious weekend that i could spend with you...

I'm in love... and always will be~~
But are you?

It's really unsettling when a person you love like no other raise her voice at the second time you asked "what time do you finish school?"

Yes yes for those people who knows me.They would be more than willing to tell you about my overpowering STM.Sometimes,rite after asking someone for another's phone no.i'llimmediatelyforget when dialing its no. on the phone.That's how i am and unfortunately some people find it irritating.There are a rare few who doesn't find it irritating tho.Ormaybe they do but they got so used to it. :D

I'm in Pasir Laba CAmp now in support to the unit here for 2 days which will end tomorrow.I was driving this damn UZUR land rover when smoke was coming out from the front of the gear stick somewhee along the dashboard for you non-drivers out there...(no idea where's the dashboard?see the 'x'on the top right hand corner of the window? ..click on it..)i stopped the old lady give it a rest for a few minutes and attemted to start it.NO cranking sound.HMM... the place is almost amile away... together with the help of some fatsos who was at the back seat at the moment we GOTONG ROYONG pushed the rover.Yeap...Thanks urh !ST transport for providing mewith such reliable vehicle.Lucky for me it doesnt happen tomorrow when im going home.....

Sigh.So much to do with so little time and the work schedule's not making things any easier.I've alot of catching up to do with loved ones.But the sad thing is im not alone.Azli told me that some of my campmates didnt go home for a month or so becos of work.. mati...I need to psychologically prepare myself for that.Shamelessly i admit im very much attached to people dear to me.I would love to be around them all the time more often than not.But Murphy's law is indeed at work.whenever my rare weekends or my short off days are of availability.. its even more rare to keep them around me.All that aside work and everyone there have been very helpful. i wasted no time in fitting in from where i left. 10 more months till its Game Over and i cant wait.

Went to Baybeats last night after work.There They all are..~~ ahaha occasions like that, you dun need to do the calling.Its like an automatic gesture to bring almost everyone i know together.Was nice to see a lot of familiar face.What a way to come home to after a whole week of work~~

Talking about familiar faces....A long lost person whom have already classified as MISSING suddenly re appeared out of no where poking the side of my rib cage.A strictly "DO NOT TOUCH" part of my body..i turned around and i saw a familiar face from waaaaay back.It was shocking alrite...the last time we saw one another she rolled her eyes at me...proving females are most unpredictable of species.
was refreshing to see you again moreover talk to you.In an instant you bring back the moments where you help me learn the true meaning of real, sincerest of love.You're never mine but for the longest time you kept my heart with you. And now that's its with someone more worthy, youre still there somewhere etched in my mind.

ITS LIKE asking Azli out and Azli replied"hmm cant promise i MIGHT need to go home after work"...And just before work finishes, i asked AZLI out again and he say"ooops sorry im going out with saiful.

I've been away for a very very long time . To a point of non existant even to those very dear and close to me.And within those moments that i went "AWOL", which i guessed most of you by now would have known, literally, i lost too much.People say that when you're born, you're just like a plain piece of paper and how you draw it will make you who you are? Rite now it seems i'm given another piece of paper to start a new.And the old piece, already hung in shame and distortion from a life with too much mistakes and too much too learn from.

and i hung my head low in shame from those special few whom had been my spine these years and of whom i have disappointed.My Family, my friends... i lost all that whilst i was running.Pondering over it, it was a very high price to pay....

I'm offering my most sincerest apologies to all of you bros.Shaik,Fizz, Kay, Wan, Sidek,Wak...Maybe we will be friends again, maybe we wont.but for sure we'll meet somewhere within these small island of ours.And i'll reminisce our memories and i'll shy away knowingly that once before i was an embarrassment to our very own band of brothers.....



And to my pocket sized princess......
Thanks for everything that you've done. i'm not gonna write everything down cos it'll take forever :) . YOu're the foundation to how im gonna start this new beginning from...I love you.


A year ago, this time, we took a giant leap into metaphoric sea. a year on, we're still falling deeper and deeper in love and for all the mistakes you let me make and stood by me, i'll be forever grateful. you're my angel Raihana Omar....